[all in black n white]

2012-01-22T18:37:00.000+08:00

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary.

Impossible is nothing.”
- Muhammad Ali

Gold

2012-01-22T17:24:00.000+08:00

I'm experiencing that indescribable moment when you look through Facebook and find pictures of all your high school friends, and see how much they've grown and changed. Its a cross-breed between awe and realization of how much time has passed, and how nothing and everything can change but not in its total form. humbling and terrifying all at the same time.

crap. this is crap. i love it.

am i sounding schizo? haha.

Happy Chinese New Year, guys!

Balik Kampung: 21st Birthday Picnic

2012-01-18T05:04:00.003+08:00

So it slipped my mind to post pictures from my birthday last November. Everything was so last minute, but came through perfectly with the help of Trish Leo, who came up with the theme and the cute invites. And of course the rest of my family and friends, who helped me string everything together.

Picnic Day:

The party pondok

The village's most eligible bachelors.

SPG say what

The Kampung girl

Nat :)

all the beautiful people <3

The fam <3

Izzat :D

Kimmy :)

Karen singing us a song that unintentionally turned very hilariously hamsap.

2012-01-18T03:39:00.000+08:00

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

Just breathe

2012-01-15T15:45:00.000+08:00

Suddenly time is all i think about. It used to be just something to complain about, but now...now time is golder than gold. Suddenly i overlook the fact that it always has been. Cause now its on limited edition. or my normalities now are for as long as stocks last. I have 3 weeks before relocating on the map, and the excitement and anticipation hasn't kicked it. i feel only worry and fear, Which is largely unexpected of me...and that in itself is overcoming me with more fear. Why am i so scared? Is it cause i fear that things wouldn't be the same when i come back? but thats a sure thing. but then again, so are you. or are you?

sigh.

Waterlights

2012-01-12T02:04:00.003+08:00

"Darling, I would have died for you but I never had the luck." Waterlights byTeng Qian Xi

Pixie

2011-12-30T20:26:00.000+08:00

Estate

Palate Palette

Zouk

Tate

WIP

Estate

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

2011-12-26T01:31:00.000+08:00

Last Christmas I gave you my heartBut the very next day you gave it awayThis year to save me from tearsI gave it to someone special

no seriously. I'm not just singing a catchy song.

haha. Joyeux Noel!

and you best believe it

2011-12-23T01:36:00.001+08:00

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

Ahha! The light at the end of the tunnel!

2011-12-23T01:31:00.000+08:00

hmmm..I've been feeling rather unappreciated lately (who da fuck does she think she is?! demanding appreciation!) well, its that time of the year for the next episode of self reflection and an unhealthy amount of thinking and evaluation (who needs drugs these days?)and i keep running back to the knowledge i have that i've been different and i've let go of myself. This fact alone didn't make much sense to me either until my curiosity got the best of me and i delved head first into a spiral of thought and backtracking. Finally, i found that when i had tried so much to do what i felt was right and good, things always fucked up and so here i am, living my life and not giving much of a fuck.

Though i do hold on to many of my principles, but other things, umm not at all. and frankly i didn't like it very much. The new reckless Triff wasn't really at her best. but her best was... broken. i retraced my steps to the events of my past that made me feel like i could never be good enough. To the untruths that left me feeling helpless for so long. The mandatory hell-hole of depression came and left (alhamdullilah, i thought it would never end.) and i was changed, and not really for the better. i just let myself go and i stopped trying. stopped trying to be better for anyone and i bloody hell didn't feel the world deserved it.

Now that i've realized it, it makes me rather sad..and irritated...with myself. Sad because i remember the torment that made me give up to begin with, but irritated because i let these events and people bring me down. They deserved neither my love nor my loyalty. It was never my fault that they couldn't see it. and changing to be worthy of the verdict was stupid. How could i have been oblivious for so long.Trying to free myself of labels and lowering expectations so i never had to live up to anything great. Did life really turn me so jaded and pathetic?

Sometimes waiting for appreciation and acknowledgement will be the death of you. i guess if we all realized how everyone has a limit and that we should appreciate what others do for us in our lives, before they throw in the towel with a giant "fuck off", all our lives would be a wee bit happier.

know that when others take advantage of your kindness and break you, you're not supposed to be the one to change. to be the same as them isn't protecting yourself from hurt. Love freely and whole heartedly with every bit of childhood innocence you have, and remember that it is they who should be changing. Don't ever let yourself feel otherwise.

"Where is your heart? Where is your heart gone to? Tear me apart. Tear me apart from you. You laugh the light I cry the wound, in gray afternoons. I saw you there. You were on your way. You kissed me cold."- Tear, Smashing Pumpkins

Bringing it back to the 90's!

2011-12-08T12:15:00.001+08:00

Nothing else mattered

2011-12-07T10:54:00.001+08:00

“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?"- Dr Seuss

2011-12-06T21:17:00.001+08:00

"When a good thing goes bad, it's not the end of the world. It's just the end of a world, that you had with one girl" - Doing it wrong, Drake

2011-12-02T01:47:00.001+08:00

Stank you very much.

2011-11-27T02:03:00.001+08:00

Being at a state of pure hecticness and being so immersedwith work, I feel as if I had put a lot of my life on pause. Including my selfgrowth. Every waking minute of my life was spent on doing work, worrying about workor calculating when my next dateline was. I thought that with this lastsemester, I had finally figured out how to balance between work and relaxationtime. But yet I felt imbalanced. I realized that even my relaxation time was scheduledcarefully even down to the amount of physical and mental energy it took up(which ofcourse we wouldn’t want much of cause that would mean less energy forwork). Time was never enough. Not even 24 hours a day. I had forgotten how tolive, let loose and enjoy a lot of things that I should be enjoying. And now I wonderif I’ve let everything pass me by.

I’ve even taken for granted the people and events that meaneverything to me. I forgot how to be thankful.

So here it is, a list of thing I can be thankful for in thismoment.

I am grateful for the inspiration and motivationI had this year from all the wonderful people around me, to embark on all thethings I’ve dreamt of doing in my life that I never could put into action. I amgrateful that I have had my dreams become reality. This includes everyoneinvolved in the Epic Projects that proved to me that nothing is impossible.
I am grateful for an incredibly awesome bunch offriends, family and loved ones, who are there for me through thick and thin,through my absence and in my overbearing presence, who’ve been there for meholding my hand as I learnt to grow and accept challenges and face obstacles.Most importantly, for supporting me and caring for me, showing me true loyaltyin a world that no longer knows it, andshowing me real honesty even when I could not face it.
I am grateful that I had learnt so much fromyou, Beh. Whom have showed me my own weaknesses and help me face them and stillloving me unconditionally. You’ve been such an amazing person and I’m blessedto have you patiently in my life. I Love You.
I am thankful for all the events of my past,that have showed me what it means to be a true friend and the value of family. Forteaching me loyalty, trust, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, self-respect/worth, kindness, love and letting go.
I am thankful for my parents, who loved me andraised me to who I am today. I am thankful that I had a chance to love them andbe loved by them. I am thankful for mum, who has been the strongest woman I couldever know and showing me what it really means to be selfless. I could only hopethat I’d be half the woman you are.
I am grateful for all the achievements I’ve madein school and out. And for the opportunities I had be given.

To all those who helped me become a betterperson, you know who you are. I thank you. :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Happy Thanksgiving!

Perth

2011-11-10T23:26:00.001+08:00

Some random pictures from my Perth trip not too long ago. I've been so caught up with work, i haven't had much time for anything. so hello, photo blogging! you are my excuse when i'm too lazy to construct proper sentences!

2011-11-01T17:23:00.002+08:00

"Some people take your heart, others take your shoes, and still others take you home."- My Own Private Idaho.

Designer in pajamas

2011-10-26T00:11:00.005+08:00

Gotta check this out!

2011-10-22T19:43:00.001+08:00

EPIC!

2011-10-05T16:08:00.001+08:00

Some pictures from the Epic Homes' Batang Kali project.The Epic family built a home for Ibu Biah and her family of 6 other adults and many young children. Previously this Orang Asli family were living in a small house together, that barely gave them any room or personal space.

What was originally supposed to be a 3 day project to build this home from ground up, extended to 5 days over two weekends, due to the constant rain that disrupted the construction.

Truly, it was such a wonderful experience working with all these inspiring individuals who really made this project so enjoyable. Here are some pictures of the journey... :)

Day 1

Daniel

Ahbok a.k.a Snotty.

John-son

we still did out best in the rain. despite having to cut off the power supply.

End of Day 3

Day 5

Superhero Karen :D she fights poverty through home building and occasional raking. very bad ass. don't mess.

The beautiful Epic people with Ibu Biah and the Epic house!

their previous home.

pictures taken by Foong Wai and Kester Low.

Visit www.epichome.org

Epic Homes

2011-10-04T02:19:00.002+08:00

2011-09-16T14:11:00.002+08:00

"Ruin is a gift.

Ruin is the road to transformation."

Invisible

2011-08-18T01:22:00.004+08:00

How i wish that i could just buy all these old houses here in Malaysia, retain its old eccentric architectural details and just restore it to make it a lil newer and well...livable. I've seen many around here in KL city, Penang, and everywhere in between the cracks. Some are abandoned, some just poorly maintained.

Ipoh

imagine the things you could do...

In the flesh!

2011-08-09T01:40:00.000+08:00

Was incredibly lucky to have a picture taken with Ben Kenney and Kilmore of Incubus, after their concert here in Kuala Lumpur.

2011-07-27T05:36:00.002+08:00

Unggun Bersih

2011-07-04T06:36:00.001+08:00

Click here to listen to legendary Malaysian poet, A. Samad Said, recite a poem called Unggun Bersih. Do listen.

2011-07-04T05:23:00.004+08:00

There's something absolutely horrendous about moving. the first parts of it being generally the worst- packing.

you tend to come across all the bits and pieces of your past; some bringing back fond memories, some not so. Deciding what you wish to keep or throw is impossible when you are as sentimental as me. i have boxes full of letters given to me from friends and loved ones, ticket buds, notes, cards, and memorabilia.( i swear if i looked hard enough i'd find strands of my mother's hair in there or some sentimental creepy shit like that.)

Knowing this, my family and i had discussed prior to the packing that we'd limit our keepsakes from Dad's closet to just 2 things. As you guessed, it was getting ridiculous every time we'd find a new piece of his clothing; his favorite shirt, the shirt he wore on his last birthday, shirt he wore that time he made this joke, the one he bought that we made so much fun of him with...next thing you know, i had half the pile gripped tightly in my hands.

i look at my mother's face, she's trying to hold it together. I take a look at myself, trying to lighten the mood to be strong for her. but there i was gripping on to all his worldly attires and wondered who needed more consolation. i walk across the half empty house with boxes piled everywhere and see all these things that used to define my life. The stuffed toy monkey i used to hold to sleep every night, the papers of emotion scribbled on it, CD's given to me by good friends....things....all these things had stories. stories that the stranger who rummages through the things i throw out will not know. The things that represent all that meant everything to me was now simply trash.

I really need to learn to let go. I shall start with things.

" Lightning strikes Inside my chest to keep me up at night. Dream of ways to make you understand my pain. Once you want it to begin, No one really ever wins In heartbreak warfare... Good to know it's all a game. Disappointment has a name..." - Heartbreak Warfare, John Mayer.

2011-07-04T02:52:00.001+08:00

" I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm."

- George Carlin

rambles

2011-06-23T14:13:00.000+08:00

So the last couple of months have been borderline psychotic. With just school alone, things were getting too intense; trying to juggle homework and studying alone gave me no time for sleep, let alone anything else. and ofcourse being here in Kuala Lumpur is somehow always as toxic as any one city could get and that is draining on its own.

On top of all that, i moved into a new place and thats just another insane episode altogether with furniture shopping, and renovations and having to pick out all the small things like curtains and flooring was something i would have enjoyed on any other circumstance, but with so much going on, this meticulous process seemed so uneccesary and somewhat annoying.

As school ended, i was anticipating a good long holiday, where i could first get all the sleep i needed since i was so mentally and physically exhausted, and read, laze around, hang out with friends i hardly saw anymore, and just be at a relaxation point i know i fit best in. But then as unexpected things happen, i was suddenly told i had to leave to Perth for my August semester this year, instead of February next year as planned.

Discovering this information only a month before i would actually have to leave was another degree of psychosis. I had a TON to do and there i was thinking this was the start of a relaxing holiday. I had to figure out accomodation, finances, my visa (which is another insane process on its own.) I had 3 weeks to mentally prepare myself for leaving (though i gave up and couldnt quite give a shit) and to console myself for;

1) missing Incubus's concert here in Kuala Lumpur when i had been eagerly awaiting it.

2) not being here for Daddy's 1st year death anniversary (holy cow its almost a year)

(and well other important events to me but really i got over those pretty quick, its THOSE TWO which i took some time getting over. )

so everything was on its way, and i was on my way to turning into a dried prune from the stress. So when my friends talked about a getaway to Sibu Island, i jumped right in it. everything was great, i finally got the rest and relaxation i needed. I was out in the sun, taking strolls by the beach, reading, swimming and snorkelling, talking to deers- I WAS ALIVE AGAIN! ( yes yes, prior to that i was some zombie robot hybrid )

but ofcourse, what KL soap opera would my life be if there was no twist. (and i wonder why i still get suprised everytime it happens) long story short- there was some complications with my scholarship and i wont be flying off in August. or atleast i dont know anymore. and i've just been plain confused. its quite a mind fuck really.

wow. that was a mouthful. hmmm..

Damn Straight!

2011-06-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

‎" Whats worst than feeling shit, is feeling shit about feeling shit."

Sarawak

2011-06-21T19:51:00.001+08:00

My weekend in Kuching with a friend. Didnt get up to much, just ate (alot) , visited a few cute souvenir shops to buy home some sumpits for friends, lazed around, and played Xbox Kinnect. Oooh but i did however dine in this really beautiful place called Junk. The food was great, the design, decor and layout was detailed and interesting. Had a good weekend though i didnt get up to taking many pictures. so here's the few.

it was rainy

the product of me studying diligently for my exam in a few hours...

2011-05-20T04:23:00.002+08:00

2011-05-19T02:53:00.000+08:00

To know the magnitude of being grateful, one must understand the magnitude of being without.

Goodnight, readers.

2011-05-15T15:49:00.002+08:00

I'm unable to cope with my reality.

"Waiting for the end to come. Wishing I had strength to stand.This is not what I had planned, It's out of my control. Flying at the speed of light, Thoughts were spinning in my head. So many things were left unsaid. It's hard to let you go. Sitting in an empty room,Trying to forget the past.This was never meant to last. I wish it wasn't so. All I wanna do Is trade this life for something new. Holding on to what I haven't got..." - Waiting for the end, Linkin Park.

2011-05-08T18:59:00.001+08:00

2011-05-01T16:50:00.001+08:00

A painting by a friend, Sugir, that was gifted to me. It's of the Hindu Deity, Shiva who has control over death, rebirth and immortality.

Thanks Sugs.

"My favourite animal is steak"- Fran Lebowitz

2011-05-01T16:23:00.002+08:00

"What is patriotism but the love of the food one ate as a child?" -Lin Yutang.

On the subject of food, i met Bobby Chinn during his appearance here in KDU. I remember several years ago when i stumbled on his TV show at the time called World Cafe: Asia, and i found myself just laughing with my legs thrown into the air. I have to say, i truly do appreciated a sense of humour. and well, i've been a fan since.

He gave us an imaginary cooking demo on how to make a Vietnamese sauce. Yes he was also kind enough to pour the imaginary sauce into a pot so the audience could taste it. as you would expect, after much critique, the audience decided they loved it!

tada! just like that, my bullshit-filled week turned upright! :D

AND i got myself a souvenir!( and hopefully with that, some new cooking skills too)

2011-04-30T00:05:00.001+08:00

"Men soon the faults of others learn

A few their virtues, too, find out;

But is there one—I have a doubt—

Who can his own defects discern?"

-Sanskrit Proverb

2011-04-26T13:52:00.001+08:00

You really had me there

" Mutual misunderstanding after the fact. Sensitivity builds a prison In the final act " - Sacrifice, Elton John.

2011-04-25T01:29:00.000+08:00

"Those that would sacrifice a little liberty for safety, deserves neither liberty nor safety"

It's been a good run but Cheers to the future.

2011-04-23T00:50:00.000+08:00

Every time i have it in me to forgive you, you remind me exactly why we ended in the first place.

I've been contemplating for long, how much of you i should allow myself to keep. I'm a sentimental person, and with all the respect i have for you, for all the good you brought into my life, i have chosen to reserve a special place in my life for what we had in the past. Today, i realized a lot of things as i have in the months we've been separated. Today i decided, with all that i have learnt, that letting go of all the sentimental things i keep of us does not mean i am erasing the past. and today, i decided that the perfect thing to do, to pay homage and let go, is to leave behind everything, in the place it all started in the first place- On that cliff of the lighthouse, i will leave my past behind. and on that cliff i will let go of you forever.

2011-04-18T18:35:00.003+08:00

2011-04-13T00:06:00.002+08:00

Truth is

2011-04-13T00:01:00.001+08:00

I had no idea that my absence could be perceived as offensive to some. but i surely am quite flattered. but more importantly, i'd like to apologize to my friends. I know i may sometimes seem detached or like i don't care but truth is i'm just busy. in ways its hard to define.

With just school alone, i haven't found time to sleep nor live. and my refusal to let my personal life go, is proving its hazards. I'm so tired sometimes that i check out from reality without any control of my own. and its really hard to constantly say no to meeting up with friends, and i wish no one would take it personally or get tired of calling me out. (Don't say i didn't warn you) but June is on its way and i'll be on a three month break then. :)

Also been busy with moving and all the complex things that come with it like renovations and furniture shopping (i saw so many lights and chairs over the last 3 months, it made my eyes bleed).

On a more personal level, I've been struggling with my refusal to let go of the past. Its so subliminal that i don't even notice it sometimes. I psyched myself into thinking i'm embracing the future and moving forward, but ever so often, someone reminds me how stuck i am in my past. and i don't think i am and i don't want to. at all.

or perhaps thats me being in denial.

I dreamt about you. In my dream you were gone. and i was sitting by your grave, three years from the day we went away together. and i still could not let go. I'm starting to think that the dream was significant for me to confront the death of you in my life. why is it i cant seem to let you go? why is my past still affecting this beautiful future standing in front of me without me even realizing it?

I know i made the right decision. After all these months of figuring out if I've done the right thing, it came to me recently like an explosive revelation. and i knew that it was the right decision. that the love is undeniable but so is the indifference. and finally i could define who i see you as in my life- a great friend whom has helped me grow in ways i thought impossible and someone i shared life's greatest memories with. still, i wanted you in my life. is that wrong? I still love and care about you.

I suppose, considering the circumstances of who we were to each other, that would mean i haven't let go of you. in that case, could i ever?

"Well you're the closest thing I have to bring up in a conversation about a love that didn't last...And then we saw our paths diverge and I guess I felt OK about it...And then I couldn't understand why it bothered me so. I cant let go, No, I cant let go of you." - Can't Let Go, Landonn Pigg

Bravery

2011-04-05T12:25:00.004+08:00

Kudos to those who could conceive the thought without any proof that it could ever be real.

A taxi cab relationship

2011-04-04T16:52:00.001+08:00

There is this Cab Driver whom by some strange coincidence, i frequently meet. For more than two years now, i'd hop into a cab and many times it'd be him. He resembles Borat. and i'm not even joking. He speaks like Borat and no shit, he even smiles like him. This new found friend of mine is also in love with me. and it was all just too hilarious.

He refers to my parents as his in-laws and when he gives me change from my cab fare, he tells me that he's always giving me money and then i proceed to tell him that its his duty to support me.

and as weird as the joking is, i actually enjoy that 10 minutes of comic relief. truly a funny bloke.

k. nap time. bye. :)

Dumbo and Bambi

2011-04-03T04:33:00.002+08:00

Hello friends! Now that i have a little spare time on my hands, i thought i'd post up some pictures from a recent road trip to the Kuala Gandah Elephant Sanctuary, Deer-land as well as Kuala Selangor's Fireflies sanctuary, for Nat's 21st birthday.

I had been to the elephant sanctuary some recent years ago and so much has changed. they've improved the facilities. alot.

it was business time for some...

peacock butt

The Troopers

Pictures taken from Sha Jackson

2011-03-29T12:17:00.001+08:00

i find that my conversations with cab drivers are often more interesting than the conversations i have with most people.

2011-03-28T01:55:00.002+08:00

Silence is golden, they say.

2011-03-15T10:45:00.003+08:00

2011-03-08T13:17:00.002+08:00

Find me on Tumblr!

2011-03-08T01:12:00.001+08:00

So i finally did it. I got myself a Tumblr. It's been a great source of visual relief and inspiration for me to see all these beautiful art pieces displayed before me. So yes, I finally and humbly introduce- Through A Coloured Spectrum

2011-02-25T01:21:00.001+08:00

"Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace."

Heart of the matter

2011-02-18T23:10:00.003+08:00

It's funny how easily i can forgive others; It's even funnier how incredibly difficult it is for me to forgive myself.

"All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again. I've been trying to get down to the Heart of the Matter But my will gets weak And my heart is so shattered, But I think it's about forgiveness" -Heart of the Matter, India Arie

2011-02-18T05:44:00.004+08:00

"Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it"- Andy Warhol

2011-02-08T02:54:00.003+08:00

i found an old blog draft of mine in random. It said...

"All the men in my life have had the same wonderful qualities... emotionally unavailable, unreliable, insensitive, dishonest, brain dead at times n slightly abusive. Oh how i love them all."

"For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life."- Time of your life, Greenday

2011-02-07T00:48:00.001+08:00

Bbkns

2011-02-06T00:15:00.001+08:00

One of the toughest things about losing someone is the dissection process; where you realize all the things you could have done differently. All the shoulds, coulds, and woulds make up the fangs of regret that eats you up inside. In the moment, you do all you think you can and hope for the best, but when things go wrong, and there’s no turning back, suddenly there is a point of clarity in which you see, “ahh I could have done this better” or “I could have said this instead.”

I have an odd and unappreciated familiarity with loss. I’ve seen so much loss in my life (to me) that this thought has been ubiquitously killing me. I find myself dissecting all my current relationships with friends and family and wondering if there is something I wanted to say but never have, or wondering if I have told each and every one of them how much they mean to me. Or thanking them for the small things they do that I sometimes overlook or not tell them how much I appreciate.

I now regret not saying enough to my father while he was still alive. I regret not saying more in that last bits of communication I was allowed to have with someone near and dear to me. Or taking all those conversations for granted and ending our calls with the idea that I’d be able to talk to you tomorrow. Cause that tomorrow never came. The worst of it all, is that I was aware of the possibility of having this regret and did everything I could to make sure It wouldn’t have to happen, and yet no matter how hard I try, there’s always new regrets being formed. Always things I could have done better.

I just don’t know how to forgive myself.

I am so sorry.

2011-02-05T23:07:00.001+08:00

How can I convince you to go through with it when I can’t be there to go through it with you? How can I convince you to be brave when I’m terrified for you? I don’t know what to do. I feel worst than helpless.

2011-02-02T10:59:00.000+08:00

2011-02-02T03:11:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

Here's the deal. I think that you hate me. And i'm just saying that its okay, cause you don't have to love everyone all the time. And i'm not trying to undermine your greatness cause i'm sure you are more than definitely capable of loving everyone all day everyday. But really God, evaluating some of the situations which i find myself in without any (or maybe just a lil) fault of my own, the situations that i absolutely have no control over, and the serial sagas that you have so magnificently planned out for me, is truly as i would see it, a testament of your resentment towards me.

But like i said, its okay if you do. And for whatever it is i did, I am sorry. I know i skipped out on church a bunch of times but i get it now.

Also, Why did Megan Fox get all the good stuff? Does she say special things in her prayers? or is this just another example of you hating me?

2011-01-24T01:07:00.003+08:00

2011-01-21T02:21:00.000+08:00

I guess that's what happens when you love someone but in vain; That love turns into hate.

"Oh tell me you love me. Come back and haunt me. Oh and I rush to the start. Running in circles. Chasing our tails. Coming back as we are." - The Scientist, Coldplay

2011-01-17T22:13:00.004+08:00

everything is one

2011-01-17T22:07:00.000+08:00

"If you can't see it than i guess you'll never know it"

because you matter to me, foo!

2011-01-17T05:43:00.001+08:00

If it matters to you, you put aside everything and fight for it through and through. Even if all you feel like doing at that moment is abandoning ship.

penang

2011-01-12T02:20:00.000+08:00

No Fear of Heights- Katie Melua

2011-01-10T00:48:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to believe that the reason we find ourselves grasping so hard to the little youth left in some of us and longing for the younger days, has its valid explanations. Could it be that it isn't really youth we're longing for? but perhaps the sense of fearlessness we once was so at home with? there's no doubt that sagging skin and aching joints, aren't much of a sunny side up, but is that all there is to this longing? or maybe a fear of death?

I think the one reason i fear growing older is because i fear. As young ones experiencing things first hand for the first time, we march into all our battles with fists held high and the supposed courage of a godly den of lions. Many a time, we come back totally defeated and torn apart and then in following battles, we grow more weary. More afraid. More careful. We don't live our lives doing the things we used to do. Foolish as we might perceive it, it is that childish bravery that i long to have once again.

Our lives grow more reserved with each passing pain. Reserved love instead of unconditional ones. Filtered words instead of steadfast truth. Sensible feelings instead of raw emotions. Things become more of a game or a stage of good relations.

I dont know which one beats the other? Is maturity really a good thing? What would the world be like to have its childish innocence again? What would i be like if i was without fear once again? Was there even a time i was ever fearless? My my, nothing is ever as it seems...

" You're a little late, I'm already torn." - Torn, Natalie Imbruglia

2011-01-08T03:41:00.001+08:00

2011-01-06T01:52:00.000+08:00

Its like reliving a death over and over again. As if once isn't traumatic enough.

is you is or is you aint?

2011-01-06T01:45:00.002+08:00

we welcome you home with pride, Team Malaysia!

2010-12-30T17:20:00.006+08:00

Inilah barisan kita,

Yang ikhlas berjuang.

Siap sedia berkorban,

Untuk ibu pertiwi!

Sebelum kita berjaya,

Jangan harap kami pulang!

Inilah sumpah pendekar kita,

Menuju medan bakti!

Andai kata kami gugur semua,

Taburlah bunga di atas pusara.

Kami mohon doa,

Malaysia berjaya!

Semboyan telah berbunyi,

Menuju medan bakti!

unworthy

2010-12-29T05:25:00.001+08:00

These thoughts call for a morning jog.

"Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm. Must be somewhat heartening to watch shepherd meet shepherd, But you, you're not allowed. You're uninvited. You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before. I don't think you unworthy. I need a moment to deliberate"- Uninvited, Alanis Morissette

oh blue sands

2010-12-22T21:46:00.008+08:00

"I don't hate you anymore for reminding me of the person i cannot be. Can you take me away?"- Blue Sands, Yuna

2010-12-22T18:11:00.002+08:00

After feeling it all, I've come to decide that feeling those pangs of hurt and pain are far more favourable than feeling absolutely nothing. At least the hurt reminds you your alive.

"No matter what, never lose your childish innocence. It is the most important thing"- Under the Tuscan Sun

in your parallel universe

2010-12-22T07:28:00.003+08:00

I'm gonna stop making plans. they all never seem to work out anyway.

and Its funny how i find out we shared the same thoughts. i emailed this to a dear friend, at the time all of this was happening...if only we had shared it with each other. (well this was bits and pieces of the email)

something about my life now doesnt feel quite right. I feel like my soul is outside of my being, watching in remorse at the effects life has made on me...

things now are....different.... i suddenly feel like i dont know him at all. i cant find peace. i cant find love. i cant find contentment. there's something far from right from where im standing.

maybe he's not the right one. maybe its not the right time. but i cant seem to find the wisdom to do the right things nor the courage to pull myself out of a new different angled hole that im digging. i believe....i truly believe that i need time alone. i need to find me again.

at the same time, i wish we never had that conversation.

"Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide. I'll take it by your side. Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide." - without you i'm nothing, placebo

i need you to be black and white

2010-12-20T16:07:00.000+08:00

i proclaim my need for truth
i tell you that is all i need
but the truth you give me, i cant bear
i can't bear another limbo
i can't take the inbetween
not another indecision
i dont want to hear about confusion
I dont want to hear that you miss me
I want the truth
i want the honest truth
the ugly truth
the selected truth
the selfish truth

i want the untruth...

taking things for granted

2010-12-15T16:04:00.000+08:00

If you actually thought about it, it's absolutely ridiculous how many people closest to you take advantage of you. and we worry so much about that with all the people who aren't that significant? strange.

"Sempurnanya sifatmu. Telusnya hatimu. Jujurnya niatmu. Tingginya kesabaranmu. Lepaskanlah diriku Kerna aku tak mampu tuk menanggung sebuah cinta sempurna darimu" -cinta sempurna, Yuna

turning into dust

2010-12-13T22:41:00.001+08:00

"I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain

I could feel myself growing colder

I could feel myself under your fate

turning into dust"

2010-12-13T05:58:00.006+08:00

"It begins when the object of your affection bestows upon you a heavy hallucinogenic dose of something you've never even dared to admit you wanted. An emotional speedball of thunderous love and excitement. Soon you start craving that attention with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When it's withheld, you turn sick, crazy, not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff. Goddamn him, and he used to give it to you for free.

Next stage finds you skinny, shaking in a corner certain only that you'd sell your soul just to have that thing one more time. Meanwhile the object of you adoration is now repulsed by you. He looks at you like someone he's never met before. Irony is you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a mess. Unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

You have now reached infatuation's final destination. The complete and merciless devaluation of self."

-eat.pray.love

The Essence of My Being

2010-12-13T03:37:00.002+08:00

Why is it increasingly harder to sit still these days? I find myself constantly trying to do something productive and not wanting to waste time. Always jumping into something new or jumping out; both done just as fast. Caught up in the fast-paced life races, i got used to not giving myself time to deal with things, to deal with my emotions; my pain, my agony, my hurt, my dissapointments, my confusion and my regrets. and when the air gets thinner and its hard to breathe, i look for all sorts of shortcuts to deal with my instability. They tell me to talk about it- so i talked about it. They tell me not to think about it- so i didn't think about it. Then they tell me to think about it - so then i thought about it.

I found myself wondering, after just ten minutes alone with these thoughts of mine, of how long i'd have to think about it for it to be insignificant...they said time would heal all wounds, they conveniently left out the important bit - how much time?

After i gave up on all these senseless tactics, it finally came to me. Healing doesnt take place when you force yourself to think about it and try to discard it with no actual acceptance. Healing takes place when you let yourself immerse in the complete natural course of hurt, anger, sadness and even happiness. Meaning, to not stop yourself when you have an unwanted happy recollection of this person you are now trained to loathe. It means smiling and laughing about it, letting yourself miss this person or cry and then moving on. I finally gave me time to just simply... be.

I had programmed myself to be rational when in actual fact, feelings are irrational and therefore i didnt allow myself to feel. My brain was trained to forgive or understand immediately eventhough my heart could not comprehend it. I'd tell myself "These things happen. You can't fault anyone for choosing to love you or leave you." but deep down, buried in all my rationale, i later discovered a raging dragon wanting to torch this incomprehensive situation to dust.

In my quest to fill this emptiness of my being, i went out, I drank, I laughed, I danced. Day after day, Night after night, yearning to feel something inside as i numbed myself on the outside but nothing worked... still emptiness.

I craved to feel that passion and contentment from life again. I decided it was time to relax; sat at home, watched DVD's, learnt to play the piano, did some yoga, daydreamt, and read. It helped a great deal to be without a hangover i must say, and it was nice, to walk around the house doing nothing... I was feeling good.

And then it came unexpectedly one day, after a good day of conversations with some friends, while cruising through the streets of Kuala Lumpur, I felt it- that mad love and appreciation i used to frequently feel for the simplest things in life, there it was in a simple car ride with Kuala Lumpur watching over me in the city's night sky.

After grooming myself to feel that i constantly needed to work for something, I allowed myself to just live and whaddyaknow, it helped me find myself again. I forgot how much i enjoyed doing nothing at all and appreciating the simplest things in life and just...being. as John Lennon once said "Life is what happens to us when we're busy making other plans."

Happiness is just around the corner

2010-12-06T15:01:00.008+08:00

‎"Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is Absence Of Sorrow! But It Means That They Have The Ability To Deal With It" - Shakespeare

lets summon the cosmic powers to fill us with the means of recovery and happiness. Amin.

2010-12-03T16:59:00.000+08:00

'We only write about two feelings: one is the first day of summer when you and all of your friends are standing on the edge of a cliff watching the sun set and being overcome with all of your hopes and dreams at once. The other is when you're walking alone in the rain and realize you will be alone forever."

-The Drums

Pelbo

2010-12-03T02:50:00.003+08:00

I just caught this Norwegian band called Pelbo play just now. and the music was really good.They sound amazing live. too bad their only next stop in this region will be for Penang Jazz Fest on Saturday. If only i had known, i would have dragged every friend and stranger over to catch their show today.

check em out here

2010-12-02T17:40:00.007+08:00

"what is speech in Malay? ....Berspeecherasi!"
-shahpur

2010-12-01T18:23:00.002+08:00

I had a good birthday :D

stank you to everyone who made it happen.

I'm ridin solo

2010-11-29T19:10:00.001+08:00

Yeah, I'm feelin' good tonight
Finally doing me and it feels so right,
Time to do the things I like
Going to the club everything's alright,

Told me get my shit together
Now I got my shit together,
Now I made it through the weather
Better days are gonna get better

I'm feelin' like a star, you can't stop my shine
I'm lovin' cloud nine, my head's in the sky
I'm solo, I'm ridin' solo

- Jason Derulo

the why why family.

2010-11-25T15:46:00.001+08:00

This was one of my favourite cartoons when i was younger. but this one is a dutch version. where is the english ones?! i sad.

Circumspection

2010-11-25T14:30:00.003+08:00

Five of Swords

You've suffered a loss or defeat but can now regroup. New confidence and verve. Ideas have changed, so you must adjust the plan. Be a little more sure of yourself and others will join you. You don't need anyone's approval in the way you live your life. You have been a little too giving. New friendships can be formed.

Influx is the only word to explain this current situation. yet i recall a conversation with my ex-colleague " Fuck variety!! why cant i just have my maggi goreng everyday!!" she tells me metaphorically. and i still laugh just thinking of the irony of all this. "Dont put all your eggs in one basket" it said as i read todays news and gossips.

It is what it is. So let the games begin.
:)

" I indeed sold my soul, without glancing at the price. But with what I did get, I was more than generous. Put others over self on several instances But I'm back on my feet without a hint of bitterness And one way or another I shall have deliverance. I've been travelin for some time...On these long dark dusty roads. Lookin there's nowhere to go. I guess I gotta hide away, far away. Cause I gotta find a way, to find my way " - Deliverance, Bubba Sparxxx

The torturous but wonderful semester with the Murdoch Degree-comm res class

2010-11-23T16:08:00.002+08:00

The Communications Research Class of 2010

all ready to jihad.

Paintball Valley in Botanical Gardens Shah Alam.
do you see my game face on?

Team Terrorist

The BBQ we had the day after to show off our battle scars and get wasted.

Izwan is a drag queen at heart.

i learnt how to play Linger on the ukulele by the Cranberries.

with louis

that pot of jello was intense.

2010-11-22T17:14:00.001+08:00

" Save tonight and fight the break of dawn come tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be gone"- save tonight, Eagle Eye Cherry

camaraderie

2010-11-19T19:28:00.000+08:00

I spent last night re-watching season 1 of The OC with friends. It was so strange to tell you the truth. I'm uncertain if it was the effect of whatever it is we could possibly have consumed not saying we would consume anything but if we did consume anything that could or could not be a factor to result in the intense familiarity of feelings it stirred. *breathes*

But yea, it was like one of those things where it takes you back to the first time you experience it and whatever you were feeling and doing at the time would come back as you watched on longer. i donno. it just felt soo good. i forgot how much i enjoyed The OC. i forgot how much i enjoyed life. weird. k ..kinda creeping myself out. gtg.

"Perfect strangers down the line. Lovers out of time. so far I still know who you are But now I wonder who I was... Perfect strangers when we meet. Strangers on the street. Lovers while we sleep. Next time, i'll promise to be prefect"- perfect, Smashing pumpkins

2010-11-18T11:39:00.002+08:00

Hope still burns in the crematory of my being.

keeping me alive while it kills me slowly.

"Well if I ever see the morning. Just like a lizard in the spring. I’m gonna run out in the meadow to catch the silence when it sings" i wont be found, Tallest man on earth

2010-11-17T16:21:00.003+08:00

when will my life be my own?

all regressed and healed in time

2010-11-16T14:49:00.002+08:00

Sea otters hold hands when they sleep, so they don’t drift away from each other.

"at twenty years of age in frolic and in rage. I will see it through in time. I'll be here a while, ain't going nowhere. Said I, said I, said I, I will survive" - I'll be here while, 311

2010-11-09T15:36:00.004+08:00

"Now I got a taste I wanna explore. Ain’t going to waste no not anymore.You’re going hard now to win my heart but Too many times now you’ve been coming up short. Get outta my way, Got no more to say. He’s taken your place"- Get outta my way, Kylie Minogue

i miss my girls.

2010-11-08T23:55:00.002+08:00

love, he told me, is not a word. It's a sentence, and it has a fullstop.

2010-11-05T13:05:00.003+08:00

So here's where i rant about how hard things are. yes yes, put on the earplugs. No i'm not dying of any particular disease neither am i having a bimbotic fashion crisis or whatever. but i do feel like whining.

school's truly been a wanker and a half. the workload feels like too much even if it was evenly distributed to all the goddamn citizens of India. (and my dramaticsm hasn't even started.)

But most of all i'm dealing with my goddamn separation issues which is putting me in quite an uncomfortable situation. so yes, i had recently lost my father to leukemia and ended my 27 month relationship with the person whom i was seeing. then two of my closest girlfriends leave to separate parts of the globe. my two closest guy friends have got their heads in the cloud and here i am befriending my fucking homework! IS THIS NOT INJUSTICE?!

I had literally lost all those closest to me in a blink of an eye. sure there's Skype and phone calls and prayers wtv, but its just annoyingly strange. i pick up the phone with intentions of calling one of those idiots out, and then stare blankly at my phone screen and then tuck away this stupid technological slap-in-the face device far away, so i can pretend i'm not so pathetic- talk about adding salt to the wound. sheesh.

I felt rejected.... BY FATE!

Putting all the dramatics aside, I do know that things were meant to work out the way it has but the sudden lost of everyone has left me in a state of shock. On a lighter note, all this alone time has given me time to rediscover myself. (what is up with us people constantly misplacing ourselves anyhow? ) I admit it has taken me awhile to come to terms with a lot of things, but being in my current (lonesome) predicament made me love myself more. I guess i owe a lot of that to Tash who has mastered loving someone else more by loving herself more. does that confuse you? well she's a mother to a beautiful baby daughter and thats whats up.

At times like these, i could swear that a God truly exists out there.-scouts honour! evaluating the things ive been through, they had all come at perfect timings to truly teach me separate things about life and love. For one, my dad might be physically away, and we cant talk like we used to but yet i feel closer to him now that i could have possibly ever been. As for my four amazing friends, i think we've all shared a friendship that was real and special and no matter where they are or what they're up to, i have to say i truly believe this love we have for each other will never fade (talk about cheese cake) and i know for a fact, that the other man in my life, i will never forget you and i hope you know that.

the magestic plastic bag

2010-11-03T11:51:00.000+08:00

delayed gratification, she says

2010-11-02T20:12:00.001+08:00

kill me now